to the shore

stairwell accompaniment: Aimee Mann

And the writers only boast is this: tonight I saw the sky and could not resist. Because of this combination of love and aggression. (and all our dreams are waking up?) I am a child…only forcing myself to run and hide NO MORE.

And my dog can tell when I am sad;)

stairwell accompaniment:Turin Brakes- Rain City

My heart feels encumbered tonight. Laden with the reality of the (profound) effect we have on each others lives. With some it’s a matter of hours, days and my life is changed because of the intermingling of our lives…and with the others it is can be years before I conceptualize what part of me they have become. And I’m driving in my car tonight (under the blanket of stars I had asked for today!) and I’m wondering how exactly I became this Amber? It’s this cosmic sequence of events that I could never have predicted (and still it’s difficult for me to fathom how He is shaping me). But I am heavy because of the effect I know I have on them, too.
God, be my portion. It’s grace that draws me near.

amber

stairwell accompaniment: Derek Webb

And I find myself here again. Sitting close with my stickered laptop and asking it the questions my life isn’t offering answers to. (see Nov. 4, 2004) And I’m in the coffee shop I could easily call home. Strange to have such a romantic and tumultuous relationship with a location. The Emporium has housed so many stages of my infant adult life (these stages that are undeniably important). I sit here on the couch and hold my warm ceramic mug of Irish Cream. I remember the lonely nights of studying endless anatomy books as Damian Rice sang in my ears–years ago. Sitting in the window seat I would look out into the street and wonder if anyone felt like I felt at that moment. This was the location I met Lanelle, a fellow ED victim. Wow, that feels like ages past and I can still remember the conversation we had and how awakening it was to know that she (even if no one else) understood. Days past, I met Chad C. here for coffee and we discussed the years that had elapsed since we were childhood playmates how one (he) could lose God (and I interjected that we could not misplace…only walk away). And I was sitting at the table by the door when my mom called me with the news that Doug Moeller had been murdered. These four coffee shop walls could tell so much about my life. And Micah would always be here for me to comment on his hair. Oh! and I think of the summer evenings Stephanie and I spend sitting on the streetlight lit patio as the cars slowly pass, the train rumbles by and we share our deep thoughts on life, love, art, culture and our God. (S- I still haven’t figured out why I think that I deserve anything from Him!) And it was at that nearby table that J and I had our first discussion on the dating conundrum. What should this all look like? I feel at home here, at rest and looking to continue discovering my life. And for now I start with a warm mug and the sunlight coming in the window.

And to you, Joy. I write to you: yes, this is me, too. So I say this… let’s see if I wake up next to you some distant morning and let that be the answer to the questions we so desperately bring! And until then let’s ride this mysterious confusion for the adventure it is meant to be! (are we both not adventurers at heart?!) Let’s explore ruthlessly now that we have The Compass firmly between us! Let’s cling to the knowledge (promise) that God’s exploit is far more breathtaking than anything we can orchestrate. Is He not a light unto our path?—and with the two of us, I can’t imagine settling for a road that is tame! If it doesn’t call for bravery I fear that we would leave disenchanted! You will climb and I will run and in the end let’s fall to the ground in a heap of our laughing exhaustion, breathless and full of euphoric conquest (and we’ll see if the ground catches us in the same spot!). Covered in scraped knees, muddy hands, grass stains and sweat–the markings of a true adventure! (adventure into what we now see is very, very unknown.)

can I see?

stairwell accompaniment:Delirious- King of Fools

Oh if I had even a hint of the wisdom of Solomon! Or to become like the Queen of Sheba, bearing my hard questions with none to difficult for him to answer!
What is it that causes the subtle hint? The slight twinge of a deep chill running through. (You’re just treading water it hisses.) I can be fully in life and still hear it deep within…treading, just keeping pace.
Making me breath again. Only deeper this time. And I remember that He is more violent than the worst hurricane. And what I desire is to sail.
I set my face to the wind and combat the urge to simply look productive. (appearances deceive) Let’s keep up. The ways I’ve confronted the complacency lie and sustained my heart:
I smiled, satisfied within the gracious cradle of close community when the suffused sunset light overthrew my small (cozy?) bedroom– Kristi sat with her legs crossed on my floor, Amanda was perched on my (rarely) made bed and I occupied the birthing ball (it’s a subtle balancing act). We exchanged our recent ventures into the delicate and compelling world of male interactions (ventures in record numbers might I add!). It all sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Simplicity is the new black. And it’s so very uplifting.
Evening moments like these are a rarity in our house. Unheard of in the not-so-distant months when the house was home to three girls working three different shifts. Interactions consisted of conversations in passing concerning the dire need for toilet paper or refrigerator notes on problematic dog behavior. Three girls in a room is more than enough to shut out the pacified life. My heart is stirred.

And running! Spring skies call for crisp morning jogs and orange lit evenings scaling the Art Institute steps (again and again!). It’s difficult for me to feel complacency on any level when sprinting the last 50 yards and noticing the burn in my legs. The gift of movement!

And traveling! The more I go and see, the more I am convinced that if God called me to a vagabond life I would live each nomadic day in unspeakable bliss! To wake up in a new place. To know that there are miles and miles of road ahead. It’s been a year since my solo trip to Colorado Springs and most mornings I wake up with Garden of the Gods in my mind. I have such a desire to be back there, humbled by the massive beauty of my God. It’s been eight months since I returned from Europe. The breath-taking beauty of Ireland that pictures can’t possibly recount keeps me eager to return. Return to feeling the world perspective that is so far outside of myself. Languages that challenge my thought processes and accepting the hospitality of strangers. It’s only been two days since I returned to Ohio from Alabama and I’m already ardently awaiting to the next venture (California camping in 30ish days!). What is it about constant change, new people, places outside of “home” that make life so real to me? Real in a way that keeps me breathless for more!
Relax! Relax in a way that sings to my heart delight yourself in the Lord!

Spring is creeping in…can you feel it?

Earnestly Lord, I seek You! In an impatient and weary land, God, I wait for you! Because Your love is better than the life I live for You–my soul clings to You. Even when I’m not sure if I can be Your daughter, Lord, be my Only One. May Yours be the only throne I ever get down on my knees before! You’ve stolen my heart with one glance of Your eyes! I offer the whole of me.

“The greatness if man’s power is the measure if his surrender.”-Booth

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stairwell accompaniment: Eisley- Laughing City

stubborn optimism that risks offending the realists?
and add to that a side of utopist. stubbornly!

cantankerous elation.
persistent hopefulness.
relentless trust.
tenacious idealism.
unshaken joy.

risk the tangle.