and blabbing

October 19, 2004

stairwell accompaniment:The Cure- the best of

we want these answers. these situations.

we try so hard. we wait.

it is a mixture between dreaming big and far and then turning towards what is just right here, right now.

look at all we have saved so far as proof we are loved. somehow seen.

everything i need, everything i craved. everything isn’t the answer.

i feel i take on life like a project most of the time. i work hard to “finish myself up” so others get me “all complete and clean”.

but i forget to leave room for myself to feel tangled and unmade.

but you see.

i am feeling these days like those tangled parts. parts that are the most interesting. those are the bits i want to know about in others.

like today. driving in the pouring rain and singing loudly-friday i’m in love.

hair pinned back and blabbing on the phone. crepes and new journals and laughing so loud with AZ that my stomach still feels it. on a little afternoon in my life.

i am not finished. not a finished product.

maybe it comes full circle.

i look at what i feared in me. what i can push so far away from. today i am willing to see this happening. hold these contradictions.

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packed tightly

October 15, 2004

stairwell accompaniment:Rilo Kiley

I carry with me stories of forgiveness and how much I’ve tried not to worry. I carry my worry. I carry my concern. I carry a green chipped painted canoe and a paddle. I carry dad’s bike rides down the steep levy and learning the necessity of laughter. I carry my mother’s curlingiron burns on my forehead. I carry with me the front steps of every home I’ve ever lived in-thinking for a moment this is it, this can be my home from here on out.

I carry with me my hiding. I carry games- sardines, heads up 7up, capture the flag. I carry with me the cheating and sneaking and secrets. I carry with me chapstick and powder and ink roller pens and a leaky water bottle. I carry with me my phone and all the phone numbers of those I call and those who don’t call back.

I carry hair pins for the transition hair I have going on.

Now I carry with me every new fresh start. And every final drive away. I don’t carry the worry of your departure. I don’t carry your number anymore or your schedule in my mind. I carry the desire to go unnoticed and at the same time not be forgotten.

I carry the laughter. I carry Aslan and Sam I Am and Punky Brewster. I carry with me those wildcats who did it their own way. I carry the dream of you before I knew you and into the days to come.

unexpected expecting

October 13, 2004

stairwell accompaniment: The Shins

So as many of you know, my birthday is rapidly approaching. But with a little over two weeks until the big day, my sister Amy, two and a half years my senior…



and her husband Chris presented me with a birthday present beyond anything I could have asked for or dreamed of. By the summer of ’05 I will officially be an AUNT!! A BABY!!

Congrats Amy and Chris…and…thanks:)

October 12, 2004

stairwell accompaniment: Damien Rice-B sides

Admitting Today

I don’t want to be ruled by my expectations-wanting painless, magic, perfect love and romance. Crazy love-sick rolling and toppling.

(But you see I do.)

I want him to fight for me. I want a 60 cent chinese ruby ring and the other little sweet gifts. I’ve noticed that I like those who I want to be better for.

I am a woman who wants to only weigh 123 pounds and sometimes thinks that could be the answer. I am a woman who likes her stomach flat and wants to seem like it doesn’t matter all that much. I am a woman who can feel so lonely at the most unexpected times and sometimes I can’t ask directly or tell you how upset I really feel and I hope I’ll grow out of it. I am a woman who sometimes forgets about firey red trees and sleeping in the sun. I want wonder.

I want treasures. I want similar souls. I want passionate yesses. I want to be blown away. I want to trust. I want calm gladness and prayers and deep, true breaths.

I want to hear jazz with my eyes closed and dig my toes into the sand dancing. I want to climb to the summit and yell and sleep under the stars. I want to laugh my head off and play marbles and sleep in and eat croisants in bed with butter and nutella and spill tea and wear lace and trip holding your hand

because I am listening so closely.

orange

October 7, 2004

stairwell accompaniment:Nick Drake

I took pictures of my favorite babies this afternoon: Kierstyn and Kaitlyn…

The actual ones I took with my manual aren’t digital so I snapped a few with my mom’s to share with you all.

Life is slowly moving into an autumn outlook. And I’m glad I can use the word “slowly”.

Roommate Amanda returns from Italy this Sunday.