rushing it

May 25, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Over the Rhine- Films for Radio

I found a book of CDs from my teenage years. I was equally romanced by music in those days. I had rediscovered the sountrack that stirs memories long dismissed! Although the Amber I was in those years is vastly different in most ways from the Amber I have become (who I find myself becoming), I can feel the traces of my pastlife alive today! And although I have spent these critical years of growth morphing into what most would term “adult”, I can’t help but wish I was slightly more now of what I was then. A young girl so tangibly full of anticipation. So much discovering, becoming. Young years of living in hopeful, blissful expectation of a future worth dreaming of under sweeping night skies. Where has that fresh anticipation gone? Buried under these expectation (who sets them?), these obligations (i often invite these chains!), this world of being grown up– calm, composed, organized, scheduled, important, and always, always confident (and expected to fake it if not). No! I will allow this music to remind me of that younger, freer, more optimistic, idealistic Amber. I don’t want to be lost in the sea of adulthood where dreamers drown and anticipation is soaked in predictability.
My resolution of the day: Act my age.(I promise it’s much younger than I feel!!)

Joy, you have pushed the door to this childlike amusement with life slightly farther open. And the countless times we are left wondering what it is we are so excited about(??), I savor the frenzy, the elation, the gusto and can’t help but wonder why more of life isn’t like this!? Let’s take on this adult life with blissful expectancy and our elation will keep us looking for the good gifts He wants to give us! (i fear that if we aren’t awaiting, we might be overlooking!) Cheers to the ingenuous!

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killarney

May 23, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Damien Rice- I remember

Damien Rice is fuel for my desire to be back in Ireland.

May 19, 2005

stairwell accompaniment

i could look back over the past (nearly) two years of my posts and i’m convinced that i’ve never been at such a loss as i try to summon words to paint a portrait of my current feelings. complete loss. and i hesitate to submit that it is due to a lack of sufficient vocabulary. instead, i submit that it is a product of my inability to a.)understand b.)internalize c.)interpret my thoughts, feelings, my heart’s words.
a prevalent phrase of self-description has been i feel so lonely at the most unexpected times and how true! i have found that to be. lonely and in my internal investigation of why? i declare myself guilty of drastically introverted tendencies (that i hide well!). the times that i feel lonely are a direct result of my lack of receptivity to close and vulnerable relationships. this grieves me as of late. what is it in us that ignites the desire to know and be known. and more importantly, why is a desire that is so strong equally difficult to attain? transparency? vulnerability? an impossibility?

i have become frustrated by friendships lost in the living of life.
my dog reminds me to smile and sends me initiative to give love.
my world has become quieter. my romance with music (a primary love of mine!) has been waning in my quest to be still. shh.
i am enjoying peeling and eating fresh oranges as i did in my childhood.
sleeping with the window open.
i am completely taken by Joy and often my thoughts can’t contain my emotions!
what am i going to do with you??
i’m convinced that indian food and root beer floats could solve all global problems.
i desire to travel.
my passion for photography looms!
a blanket on the driveway under night summer skies. deep, revealing stories.
why doesn’t she write me back? i am hurt.
i want steamed soy milk. long runs. a good night’s rest. comfort.
i am selfish with my time.
often confused. misread.
i am who i am.
i desire the mosaic of my relationship with Him.
colorful, broken, messy and and art.

steadfastness

May 14, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:U2

O my God, let me remember with gratitude and confess to thee thy mercies toward me. Let my bones be bathed in thy love, and let them say: “Lord, who is like unto thee? Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder, I will offer unto thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving.” And how thou didst break them I will declare, and all who worship thee shall say, when they hear these things: “Blessed be the Lord in heaven and earth, great and wonderful is his name.”

Thy words had stuck fast in my breast, and I was hedged round about by thee on every side. Of thy eternal life I was now certain, although I had seen it “through a glass darkly.” And I had been relieved of all doubt that there is an incorruptible substance and that it is the source of every other substance. Nor did I any longer crave greater certainty about thee, but rather greater steadfastness in thee.

But as for my temporal life, everything was uncertain, and my heart had to be purged of the old leaven. “The Way”–the Saviour himself–pleased me well, but as yet I was reluctant to pass through the strait gate.

Saint Augustine’s Confessions

writing

May 13, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Radiohead-No Surprises, Gin Blossoms-Till I hear it from you, Guster-Careful, Derek Webb-Wedding Dress, tree63- A million lights, Damien Rice-Cheers Darlin’, The Postal Service-The district sleeps alone tonight, Remy Zero- Fair, Howie Day-She says, The Shins-So says I, Coldplay-Everything’s not lost, Chasing Furies- Romance Me, Dave Matthews Band- Lover lay down, Counting Crows- Anna begins, Andy Davis- I never see you, Rilo Kiley- With arms outstretched

A musical romance;)

I found myself back on campus today. School. It made me feel young again:). And incredibly excited about the opportunity to be a student once more. Education! I am back on track in the nursing program and I feel forced to rely on my God like never before. Forced? No. Willingly and expectantly relying.

I received a massage today. Not such a random occurrence. I’m on a fairly regular bi-monthly schedule (benefits of being a LMT!)and I think this is unspeakably important. Not only because I believe in the positive effects of massage therapy and want to practice what I preach, but also because I believe it helps me stay in tune with ways I can become a better therapist. To become a client again. To experience the effects that I invoke. Massage and the byproducts of massage continue to amaze me even after nearly four years in the field. I have grown so much as a therapist in the way that I approach my clients and the way that I approach massage in general.
I vividly remember my first massage in the student clinic we had at school. A prerequisite to graduation is the completion of 35 massage hours in the clinic they have set up for members of the community. Prior to my clinicals, the limited experience I had with “clients” included my family members, roommates and classmates. Very few were male. I was undoubtedly nervous as I approached my first client. I recall walking into the lobby to greet him/her with a Amber-sized friendly smile and a handshake. I recall thinking from the initial bone-crushing handshake that this massage would break me in to the come-as-you-are field of massage therapy. (Namaste!) Cedric was his name. If I had ever met The Rock in person I would have to say that Cedric was most definitely a distant twin brother of The Rock. In fact, I was at a wax museum in NYC once (never again) and I saw a life-size wax figure of The Rock. I submit that Cedric was bigger (and cuter…shhh!;)). I couldn’t help (after I nearly broke into nervous tears of student humility) but snicker at my humorous God.
That day I learned that massage therapy was all about meeting people where they are an accepting them without fear or judgment. I spend my days listening to my clients’ endless lists of stressors, aches, pains and emotions. And I never tire of allowing them to spend that hour pouring out their burden (whether I can hear it or simply see how they lighten). Physical touch and the limitless chasms it can span! I often think that one of the main reasons I know that Cat is a similar soul relies on his ability to relate to how I approach the world as a massage therapist. Fellow crusader against the world of personal space! He can see the need people have–the deep want for intimacy and love–and he wants desperately to offer healing. But some days I wonder if even he feels what I feel. Some days I feel like if I did, in fact, have to gift of healing, I would offer my hands as a persistent outpouring against the world we live in. There are days in which I know I have it. Days when I long for Home like never before when I am surrounded by loved ones in the chains of these earthly beings. So crusade we will Cat! And touch will be our outpouring of Him.

I was in Old Navy yesterday. Searching endlessly for that perfect gift. A head-set-wearing employee approached me from behind. “You’re Amber, right? Amber?” I turn to greet the woman who led my Girl Scout troop when I was in gradeschool. Kay Keish. She has two daughters: the older one is my sister’s age and the younger is my age. We went to school, K-12 with them. I was in Girl Scouts with Kay’s daughter Kristen as well as a ccompetitive writing team (I know, I know, I never claim that I was cool! Forgive me, Joy, for ever making fun of your nerd tendencies:)). In middle school a group of about 5 of us were chosen for a group of “talented young writers” (ha, I know, where did all this “talent” go!?!)and we would go to “competitions” to write essays and/or short stories on random topics in a timed period and then have the writing judged. I apparently had mastered the introduction-body-conclusion formula early in life. Our last competition of the year was on a state level and “very important”. I remember limping along the halls of the school we were meeting at with crutches due to a recent dislocated knee. I didn’t feel well. I wrote quickly and uncreatively. Awards were given. Kristen was awarded 1st place for creativity. Back at school Monday they made a big deal about it. Announcing it over the loudspeakers, taking pictures, etc. A week later they found out that the judges had mixed up out random-identification-numbers and I was the one who was to be awarded the prize. I was humiliated. Not only because they stripped Kristen of the medal she was incredibly proud of, but because I was then put in the spotlight with her prized medal in hand–why not just wave the banner: “Biggest Nerd Ever”. I’m not sure why this particular story came back to me as I stood there in Old Navy catching up with Kristen’s mom. I shook my thoughts back to the conversation at hand and Kay was explaining to me how she and her husband had recently divorced after 26 years of marriage. She was saying it with a smile on her face. Was there infidelity? Lying? Some unforgivable marital sin? No. She simply didn’t love him. “We’re friends now,” she says with the same smile. And I can’t believe it. 26 years of marriage. Children. Home. And with a smile and shrug of her shoulder she tries to convince me that she’s better off now. I walked back to my car praying to God that He might one day bless me with a marriage based on love for Him. Lasting love. True love.

It stormed last night. Those spring downpours that K and I so long for! (Archived on Fri. Aug 20, 2004) I sat on the porch as the dark clouds rolled in. The wind blew. God– Your power never ceases to amaze me! And the beauty of it! I have seen the storm. Heard the thunder. Felt the rain. Echoes of Your Kingdom.

And Joy that I can’t have enough.