May 19, 2005

stairwell accompaniment

i could look back over the past (nearly) two years of my posts and i’m convinced that i’ve never been at such a loss as i try to summon words to paint a portrait of my current feelings. complete loss. and i hesitate to submit that it is due to a lack of sufficient vocabulary. instead, i submit that it is a product of my inability to a.)understand b.)internalize c.)interpret my thoughts, feelings, my heart’s words.
a prevalent phrase of self-description has been i feel so lonely at the most unexpected times and how true! i have found that to be. lonely and in my internal investigation of why? i declare myself guilty of drastically introverted tendencies (that i hide well!). the times that i feel lonely are a direct result of my lack of receptivity to close and vulnerable relationships. this grieves me as of late. what is it in us that ignites the desire to know and be known. and more importantly, why is a desire that is so strong equally difficult to attain? transparency? vulnerability? an impossibility?

i have become frustrated by friendships lost in the living of life.
my dog reminds me to smile and sends me initiative to give love.
my world has become quieter. my romance with music (a primary love of mine!) has been waning in my quest to be still. shh.
i am enjoying peeling and eating fresh oranges as i did in my childhood.
sleeping with the window open.
i am completely taken by Joy and often my thoughts can’t contain my emotions!
what am i going to do with you??
i’m convinced that indian food and root beer floats could solve all global problems.
i desire to travel.
my passion for photography looms!
a blanket on the driveway under night summer skies. deep, revealing stories.
why doesn’t she write me back? i am hurt.
i want steamed soy milk. long runs. a good night’s rest. comfort.
i am selfish with my time.
often confused. misread.
i am who i am.
i desire the mosaic of my relationship with Him.
colorful, broken, messy and and art.

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One Response to “”

  1. AmyLea said

    Amber, I just really appreciate your heart. 🙂

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