I’ll take Schmanda‘s path and come back to civilization with a bulleted list.  It’s less overwhelming.  

*The winter here in Denver has come as a joyful surprise to us.  We anticipated the sunshine (that both of our hometowns so often lack in the winter months) but the temperatures are above and beyond mild most days.  Today it was over 60 degrees again and Hallie spent much of our time outside hiking.  I’m not sure I can overstate how much we needed this.  The season’s weather.  And the hike.

*This year, my first year as a labor and delivery nurse, I feel has literally been trial by fire.  I am learning by the heat of it when I like it and when I am scared out of my mind.  Equally.  In nursing, it seems, there is not wetting your feet without soaking your body.  I often find myself gritting my teeth when my heart feels it will explode.  Last week I was the first to inform a young mother who was 22weeks pregnant that her baby is no longer alive.  Because I was the first to hold my breath and break my heart when I couldn’t find her baby’s fading heartbeat.  I broke her heart with the news and held her hands in mine as we discussed the fact that she would have to deliver this no-longer-living being from her body.  When I would have given anything to prevent her from going through that pain.   …And then there are days like Saturday when I had the unexplainable honor of being the one to delivery  my patient’s baby.  Because the doctor didn’t make it.  I surprised myself when my hands didn’t shake and my voice didn’t give away the heart beating out of my chest.  I was the first to welcome this baby to the world.  …And a few months ago I admitted a patient 38 weeks pregnant whose water had broken.  When the baby’s heartbeat immediately began to show me signs of distress, I quickly checked this mom’s cervix to find that the baby’s umbilical cord was coming out before the baby’s head and with each contraction the baby’s blood supply was being cut off.  I had to continually lift this baby’s head up and off the cord while the mother and I rode together on the stretcher and into the OR for emergency surgery.  They both made it alive and well.  …And on Sunday I admitted a mother who was 29 weeks pregnant and came to us via ambulance because she was hemorrhaging.  Literally bleeding the life out of both her and her baby.  Once we stabilized her, we transported her by helicopter to a more acute hospital.  I’m not sure if they, either one, survived.  So it is continually life and death.  Wholly medical and wholly miracle.  The overwhelmingly beautiful and the devastating.  

*Tonight was my Valentine’s Day.  Josh took my out for sushi and then to see Lisa Hannigan (of Damien Rice fame).  Although I’ve still not recovered from the news that she and Damien Rice have separated ways and will no longer make music together, she has talent all her own and I’m looking forward to hearing more of her solo work.  (I surmise that neither she nor Damien Rice will achieve the greatness separately as they did together. C’est la vie.)  Her new CD comes highly recommended and her live show even more so.  It makes me want to be back in Ireland.  

  

Happy Birthday Josh!

a birthday full of cajun seafood, lunch with friends, a membership to the BEST climbing gym, naps, homemade birthday cake, the dog park and yoga.  hopefully 30 doesn’t come too soon. (for you, old man).

something we’ve known all along.

The weather here in Denver has been amazing over the past few weeks.  Perfectly sunny days and temperatures in the mid-60s.  I’ve had the last few days off work and Hallie and I have spent a majority of them outside.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I need the be outside.  Or how fulfilling it is.  How I often am not aware of what I need and when I need it. 

Or saying the things I mean to say at the moment I mean to say them. 

But I find myself laughing at the most expected times. Still usually confused as to why this life is all so joyfully and messy and difficult.  I’m trying to live simply. Purging the unnecessary and cherishing what’s left.  And when I forget, I trying harder to live simply so that the others can simply live. I am striving for redistribution. 

And so I try hard. I fall short. I try hard again.

I am reading books and thinking about old friends.  And new. Because I collect the type of friends who desire true community. Write us love poems.  Write to be heard when they crave silence.  Who cherish adventure and dream big with us.  Pick up the phone when I won’t.  Tell me their things and ask about mine.  My collection is tiny and full beyond measure. 

I am reading to change my mind.  Reading only as much as I am putting into action. (I am so small and needy.) Stopping short of simply soaking or gaining knowledge. Right theology is only as good as right living. 

So I change.

I am desiring to be outside. Spread my wings, stretch my legs, fill my lungs and longings. Slowly. Surely. Slowly. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past year.  Our adventures, dreams, failures, lessons.  Looking through the pictures brings me such joy.  

Moving across the country.

 

Choosing to live homeless and jobless or months.

   

Traveling to unseen states.

      

With friends. 

 

Living, working and learning in Peru.

         

And then playing, working and relaxing in Costa Rica.

              

Before returning, breathless, to try to define home.  And make it ours.

   

To school.  And a job.

And small adventures of our own.

         

I presume that this past year will never be far from our minds.  Or far from our decision-making on how to move forward and into our future.  A year of letting our hair grow long.  Neglecting our hygiene.  Living with risk, in the cold and under the stars.  Putting miles on our car, wearing holes in our shoes, cutting wounds that leave our hearts open.  For growth.  Asking the questions and investigating each other.  Living in community.  In nature.  In limbo.  Incognito.  

We’re dreaming far and wide for our future.  Willing it wings and clean underwear, books that don’t end and a tent that doesn’t leak.  

We hope to share with you soon.

Today is world nutella day.  Go indulge.