November 29, 2005

swallowing dandelions in hopes that we may grow roots.

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Clay Street

November 29, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Kanye West-Gold Digger
The Mr. and Mrs. relocation has commenced. (The Josh and Amber show has gone on the road!). My home is now defined by a cozy little apartment that will become our winter safe-haven from the 6-ish months of cold that are pressing upon us. A six month lease until we may seek ownership investment in the form of a morgage and a prayer. Much to my emotional dismay, this woodenfloored rental isn’t welcoming to my beloved Levi. My companion. My baby. My laughter. My after-a-long-day-remedy. So I’ve been faced with the gut-wrenching job of searching far and wide for a 6 month owner for my puppy until I can reclaim her.
Now Levi is a city dog. Born and raised. Levi’s want ad:
Adorable, loyal and sub-intelligent lab/shepherd mix seeks owner/companion who can provide close spaces, small apartments and frequent petting. Enjoys being in eyesight at all times, being talked to in sweet baby voices with many, many nicknames with varied gender referenced and being treated like a pansy. Much dog food required.

I’ve been presented with two possible options: An all-male, city house with one other dog (also male) and apparently dog food in abundance. A good options. Or the traditional “Farm” option (which, contrary to popular opinion, has nothing to do with euthanasia) with open spaces and barns and one other canine companion. Go back and read that last sentence. Focus in on the words open spaces. Open spaces. My Levi is not so accustomed to fresh air and corn fields. Oh, she’s seen pictures, maybe watched a movie or two depicting such scenes, but never has she been enveloped by the Ohio beauty of it all. I’ve known Levi for two years now and everything in me tells me that under such overwhelming conditions she would be inclined to run. Just take off running in any direction she feels so inclined at. full. speed. Said farm house owners have a history of not one, but two! pet funerals as a direct result of road-running canines. Levi’s track recored (NO pun intended) for superb intelligence surpassing that of far more experienced country dogs didn’t look too promising.
This very day she’s enjoying the confines of her new (Yet temporary! Levi, if you’re reading this, Baby, I’m coming back for you!!) male-dominated home.

November 23, 2005

he is brilliant

fine-free library

November 19, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Ben Folds

Admission: libraries put me to sleep. I own a library card, love the books and the words and the authors, but I can’t spend time in the libraries themselves—ten minutes and I’m asleep. I might be more prone to frequent them if I had someone to awaken me, preferably with a coffee, and a kiss. Two things I love:hand written notes and a kiss to wake me up.

These are the kind of moments that, however modest or silly, make me feel needed—I might answer his questions “with just the right words,” as I always hope. But I am always guessing, sometimes afraid of the wrong words. I never know what he really needs and I am committing to a lifetime of figuring it out. Almost every letter, every phone conversation, every sidewalk talk, I still feel like I can’t breathe. And I ask him to tell me a story, or something I don’t know. Always hoping I would say something nourishing, something to make his heart glad. We are so needy.

I believe that grace is what overturns me, and also what opens me.

November 10, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Coldplay-Parachutes

the things our engagement is made of(in no paticular order i am aware of
but with repetition alluding to my learning curve):
love.plans.decisions.uniting.grace.patience.stress.(!)invitations.decorations.grace.patience.vows.commitment.finals.
studying.grace.coffee.shopping.phonecalls.adoration.patience.
grace.emails.friends.trust.decisions.microbiology.love.
delegation.compromise.patience.sister.exictiement.pharmacology.
compromise.grace.humility.voicemail.trust.lists.lists.lists.
spaceheater.compromise.Levi.gratitude.grace.patience.
love.heatedseats.anticipation.gratitude.timemanagement.humility.
delegation.
grace.
patience.

“As sure as ever God puts his children in the furnace, he will be in the furnace with them. Prayer is not a way of making use of God; prayer is a way of offering ourselves to God in order that He should be able to make use of us. It may be that one of our great faults in prayer is that we talk too much and listen too little. When prayer is at its highest we wait in silence for God’s voice to us; we linger in His presence for His peace and His power to flow over us and around us; we lean back in His everlasting arms and feel the serenity of perfect security in Him. Meanwhile, little people like you and me, if our prayers are sometimes granted, beyond all hope and probability, had better not draw hasty conclusions to our own advantage. If we were stronger, we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle.”
__C.S. Lewis

looking back:

we want these answers. these situations.
we try so hard. we wait.
it is a mixture between dreaming big and far and then turning
towards what is just right here, right now.
look at all we have saved so far as proof we are loved. somehow seen.
everything i need, everything i craved. everything isn’t the answer.
i feel i take on life like a project most of the time. i work hard to
“finish myself up” so others get me “all complete and clean”.
but i forget to leave room for myself to feel tangled and unmade.
but you see.
i am feeling these days like those tangled parts. parts that are the most interesting. those are the bits i want to know about in others.
like today. driving in the pouring rain and singing loudly-friday i’m in love.
hair pinned back and blabbing on the phone. crepes and new journals and
laughing so loud with AZ that my stomach still feels it.
on a little afternoon in my life.
i am not finished. not a finished product.
maybe it comes full circle.
i look at what i feared in me. what i can push so far away from.
today i am willing to see this happening. hold these contradictions.