November 10, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Coldplay-Parachutes

the things our engagement is made of(in no paticular order i am aware of
but with repetition alluding to my learning curve):

“As sure as ever God puts his children in the furnace, he will be in the furnace with them. Prayer is not a way of making use of God; prayer is a way of offering ourselves to God in order that He should be able to make use of us. It may be that one of our great faults in prayer is that we talk too much and listen too little. When prayer is at its highest we wait in silence for God’s voice to us; we linger in His presence for His peace and His power to flow over us and around us; we lean back in His everlasting arms and feel the serenity of perfect security in Him. Meanwhile, little people like you and me, if our prayers are sometimes granted, beyond all hope and probability, had better not draw hasty conclusions to our own advantage. If we were stronger, we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle.”
__C.S. Lewis

looking back:

we want these answers. these situations.
we try so hard. we wait.
it is a mixture between dreaming big and far and then turning
towards what is just right here, right now.
look at all we have saved so far as proof we are loved. somehow seen.
everything i need, everything i craved. everything isn’t the answer.
i feel i take on life like a project most of the time. i work hard to
“finish myself up” so others get me “all complete and clean”.
but i forget to leave room for myself to feel tangled and unmade.
but you see.
i am feeling these days like those tangled parts. parts that are the most interesting. those are the bits i want to know about in others.
like today. driving in the pouring rain and singing loudly-friday i’m in love.
hair pinned back and blabbing on the phone. crepes and new journals and
laughing so loud with AZ that my stomach still feels it.
on a little afternoon in my life.
i am not finished. not a finished product.
maybe it comes full circle.
i look at what i feared in me. what i can push so far away from.
today i am willing to see this happening. hold these contradictions.


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