November 21, 2008

It’s amazing to me how strong the desire to sleep with the windows open can be.  This time of year is always such a challenge for me. Right now I’m taking the blue sky for granted. I lack a thankful spirit. I worry that I’ll never love my husband the way I desperately strive to.  I don’t want to forfeit my passions out of a lukewarm spirit. I am missing friends of the past. Sometimes i wonder where all of my similar souls have gone and i feel alone at the most unexpected times. Right now my dog’s cold brown nose is something to smile about. She is relentless in her pursuit of attention. She sends me initiative to give love.  I am grateful that I married a man who loves to sleep outside.  Under the stars.  I need to read more. My stack of never-ending must-reads overwhelms me and I feel under-educated. Too many words.

I think about traveling to foreign places with him.  The wandering, amusement and continual newness.  I think about indian food and wine.  I think about the way the snow flakes race toward my headlights and I feel like I’m flying.  I think about old journals.  Spicy candles and God’s grace. I think about reading aloud. I think about laying on a blanket in the middle of a dark field, under the stars and eating ice cream.  The hammock on the porch.  I remember the sweetness of falling apart.  I think about the times I feel like I’m closer to understanding what love means.  

And I think about what it takes.

I know that I can take my human feelings, multiply them exponentially into infinity and I will still only have a hint of the love of God revealed by and in Jesus Christ. God is loving me this moment just as I and and not as I should be. There is nothing I can do to increase His love for me and nothing I can do to diminish it. Who am I to deserve a day full of such passion?

And I’m understanding that I can have it daily. (although I don’t often choose it) To be aware and alert of the presence of God manifested in a piece of music, a kiss, an encouraging word from a friend, a thunderstorm, a sunrise or sunset, a snowflake, the mountains, today: in the subtle thud thud of the fetal monitor and the excitement on the faces of expectant parents. It requires an inner freedom from self created through prayer. Gratefulness is born of a prayerfulness that helps us notice the marvels of God. Marvels that made my day.

 I want God, not something like God.

“That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.” _CS Lewis

Two things I love: hand written notes and a kiss to wake me up.

These are the kind of moments that, however modest or silly, make me feel needed—I might answer his questions “with just the right words,” as I always hope. But I am always guessing, sometimes afraid of the wrong words. I want to be a comforter.  Intelligent and sensitive.  I never know what he really needs and I am committed to a lifetime of figuring it out. And I ask him to tell me a story, or something I don’t know. Always hoping I would say something nourishing, something to make his heart glad. We are so needy.

I believe that grace is what overturns us, and also what opens us.

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One Response to “”

  1. bruster said

    I’m right there with you sister! Well, not being kissed awake by Josh, but… =)

    I want God, not something like God. How true! As I am seeking to serve God vocationally, I find what so many have said before — the doing too often pushes aside the being. God isn’t good to follow because he has the best philosophical worldview… HE just IS good. He IS goodness itself, and love.

    I want many things in life right now, but God is behind them all. And if I let them crowd out their source, as Lewis says, they will become cold, empty idols with no satisfaction.

    Further up, and further in!

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