September 15, 2008

Fall is arriving here in Colorado and I’m curious as to what it holds.  Already the cool temperatures, slightly changing leaves, our first fire in the fire place.  I’ve begun the search for a place to pick pumpkins, drink apple cider, and go on a hay ride but it will be different this year.   Different in terms of location and company but the main components are still here.   Earlier sunsets, crisp, cool bed sheets, floating leaves and warm drinks. Jeans, sweaters, flipflops.  I am desperately looking forward to the visit by Schmanda.

My passion for women’s health and labor and delivery has not faded.  At all.  But I am in the thick of it, nearing the end of weeks where they have held my hand and taught me.  It’s been a challenging few months of orientation and training and I am, all at the same time, nervous, excited, startled and ready to be on my own.  It never ceases to be an exhilarating moment to end my day starving, thirsty, splattered in blood and reeling with the overwhelming emotion of, yet again, being a part of a family’s birth experience.  I’ve been through close calls, crash C-Sections, delivered dead babies, cried with moms when they felt inadequate and ready to quit, helped first time fathers learn to wrap and hold their babies, seen moms nearly bleed to death and witnessed a resident pass out during a surgery. (this happens to only be the beginning) 

And in the end it is life or death.  Happiness or sadness.  Exhilaration or complete emptiness.   Always the extremes that can be socially, emotionally, physically, biologically, gastrointestinally,  (etc., so on) exhausting.   

But once again, I find myself thankful that these trials teach me more clearly who I am not.  As a nurse, a wife, a friend, a human, a soul.  From there I can pick up the pieces to move on with who I am and what I have to offer.  Grow into it.  These steps are fundamental. And necessary. Humbling and, in the end, even comforting.  (I wish I always loved getting there as much as being there.)

 But the nights I go home with a creaky soul, I’m tempted to live out my days with a warm drink, reading a manual on the sunset.  And the Holy Spirit.

Learning to imagine them both more beautiful and near that I am inclined.  

***********************

We’re enjoying Hallie’s new life and the joy she has brought to our home.   Her clumsiness and playfulness.  

 

“By reading the scriptures I am so renewed that all nature seems renewed around me and with me. The sky seems to be a pure, a cooler blue, the trees a deeper green. The whole world is charged with the glory of God and I feel fire and music under my feet.”-Thomas Merton

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2 Responses to “”

  1. jo said

    I laugh every single time I think about a resident passing out into the sterile field.

  2. Sandi said

    I miss you…. and your words. Your entries are like poetry. Please tell me we are still going to meet up in October. I have my flight and hotel info for you. Call so we can sync up. I am so glad to hear the passion in your writings. You are wonderful and the work you do is wonderful. Your spirit is humble and loving and your wit is quick and humorful, I can’t think of a better combination for an L&D nurse. Remind Josh how lucky he is to have you!

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