September 27, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Guster-Mona Lisa

Today I wore jeans and a sweater and flip flops. I sat outside the coffee shop with my feet up and books open in the wake of a passing train and the sunset and the crisp fall air I long for on the humid and frigid days alike. I sat and wondered how life possibly could feel more pleasing.

When I was in high school I used to use sidewalk chalk on my parents’ large driveway to study and leave traces of math equations, science sketches, anatomy diagrams and Spanish phrases for the rain to purge. Scraped knees, a chalk-covered bottom and colorful elbows were the result of one of the few ways I was able to keep my largely left-brain thoughts in order. Memorization through art. I am currently enrolled in two science-based nursing classes that will once again paint the cement of our entryway with splashes of powdery pastels and pharmacological vernacular. I am frustrated by my lack of comprehension and the necessity I’ve found to actually put forth effort to excel in school.

I have to remember that it is okay (and normal and right) to not feel up for it all sometimes. To let it down and not fulfill every role. Always thinking “this is it”.
I am here to be different to be full-grown and woman. Not a girl rattled with questions. But a woman ready to make new work and find new answers. I am a woman who has put on lipstick like the rest of them. I am a woman who puts on her future when she wakes up in His arms and decisions. I am a woman who wants to fall in love with her work the way men do.

And I love getting there as much as being there.

I am a woman who wants to make powerful art in the world. I am a woman who can feel so lonely at the most unexpected times and sometimes I can’t ask directly or tell you how upset I really feel and I hope I’ll grow out of it. I am a woman who sometimes forgets about poetry and reading in the shade. The beginnings of conversations to be continued. And I am seeing how we traipse about wondering how we can devise plans and theories on how to make life feel better, more safe and right, more beautiful and how all the while our life, this big and messy and rousing life, is waiting for us to step into, to dance to, to write about, to live.

and i wonder along with Lucy whether it is a thunderstorm or a kitten we are romping with.

Today I love:
cold hands and feet
down blankets
golden delicious apples
my puppy’s new collar
a clean room!
voice mails
white pumpkins
trail running
the Chronicles of Narnia


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