the patrons are leaving

July 7, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Alexi Murdoch- Orange Sky

I wonder if it is sometimes difficult for me to relay my spiritual life, my God relationship, my journey toward Him even with those I consider similar souls because of how I perceive Him. Usually leaning more toward the relational side: God as lover/husband, God as deep friend, God as pursuer. Usually leaning less toward the functional side: God as judge, God as king, God as ruler. Yet He remains Alpha, Omega, beginning, end. I wonder if I relate best to those who have similar relationships with Him?
I’m finding lately that Joy’s intensity and extreme extremes have lead me down the tumultuous path of consistently self-evaluating what I should be doing, reading, studying, saying. Continual dissatisfaction with this present moment until life becomes a series of moments in which I am doubting my worth and usefulness rather than allowing the moments to live one by one in me, around me, through me. One by one. Living fully in the present.
I want to get back to that.
Drinking tea and thinking only of the taste, the smell, the warmth and being fully thankful within the moment.
Sitting on the steps under the sunset and focusing on the kaleidoscope of colors one by one. And using this moment to attribute the beauty to the Creator.
Reading my favorite book (again) and allowing the words to speak to me and feed my soul in a way that textbooks do not. There is always time to learn and the lessons most needed often do not come in the form of assignments. Using these literary moments to be aware of God speaking.
Asking myself again and again, “Thinking big picture, how important is this(task, conversation, argument, thought, feeling?” How can I return again and again to what truly is important?
Going on a walk when my legs feel the intense desire to be used! And allowing those moments to feel my feet on the earth. Rooted and present.
Ah, surely there will always be obligations of what I should be, could be, ought to be doing but it’s when I fail to listen to my hearts cry for what I need most and allow the moments to come one at a time and enjoying them one at a time without the adultery of giving attention to worry! Life is lived! Truly lived!

You don’t know how lovely you are.

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One Response to “the patrons are leaving”

  1. AmyLea said

    I wish I could express myself through words the way you do…

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