tidal

June 14, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Coldplay X&Y

Seeing myself far and wide. Alone and becoming strong. These days seem to be showing me so much more than I anticipate. More than I imagine I can handle. I am discovering and becoming even in the moments I try hard to stay the same.

I’ve found that accepting who I am and allowing myself to be can become much more complicated when I am desiring to grow in a relationship with another. Compromise is where I am lacking. Fitting all my unlovely, unkempt, blundering parts into a puzzle with him is a challenge of the most ambitious variety. Most days we run through the sprinklers and laugh in the face of our differences–when life is joyous as this! And now we seem to be facing these days when I want what I want what I want what I want. And I can see his unlovely tendancies and am faced with the frightening trasparency of my own. Often selfish, often closed, often sarcastic, often painfully ourselves. I sigh and wonder when the decision making will begin.

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities. -C. S. Lewis

I’ve been sick this weekend (S- thanks for your get well wishes). Sickness is rare for me. Every job I’ve had since the age of 18 has involved close contact with kids, old people or anyone else in the general (germ infested) public. My immune system is unyielding. Until this weekend. I feel horrible. And apparently, unlike most sickly Americans, I don’t deal well with fevers, sore throats and the general feeling of malaise. I slept 24 of the last 48 hours and could go back to bed now.

Two months since my last venture and I’m desiring to travel with the deep longing that removes any sense of comfort from home. Save up for England? Use my weekends to visit midwest friends?

I relate SO closely with Cat’s recent post on the tidal rush of memories and emotions that dance hand-in-hand with favorite songs. In fact, my next post will contain my associations…

I have a niece to welcome into the world. In. Just. Days.

I want health and healing and holding close. I want treasures. I want similar souls. I want passionate yesses. I want to be blown away. I want to trust. I want calm gladness and prayers and deep talks. True breaths.

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2 Responses to “tidal”

  1. Scott said

    Your second paragraph described all my past relationships very well. This thing we call “dating” certainly takes practice. I almost feel like I’m finally ready to just about nail it. But who could possibly know?

    The quote was very good. Christians should be practicing agape love in all relationships, and eros shouldn’t even show up until marriage, ideally. I don’t even like to use the word “dating”, but I haven’t quite found a way around it yet. If marriage is what interests you, there has to be some kind of a courtship, and you just hope that God will guide you in the right direction and give the strength and wisdom to nurture the relationship responsibly.

  2. Anonymous said

    You wait in the car on the side of the road
    Let me go and stand a while
    I wanna know you’re there
    But I wanna be alone
    If only for a minute or two
    I wanna see what it feels like to be without you
    I wanna feel the touch of my own skin
    Against the sun
    Against the wind

    I walked out in a field, the grass was high
    It brushed against my legs
    I just stood and looked out at the open space
    And a farmhouse out a ways
    And I wondered about the people who lived in it
    And I wondered if they were happy and content
    Were there children and a man and a wife?
    Did she love him and take her hair down at night?

    If I stray away too far from you
    Don’t go and try to find me
    It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you
    It don’t mean I won’t come back and stay beside you
    It only means I need a little time
    To follow that unbroken line
    To a place where the wild things grow
    To a place where I always used to go

    If only for a minute or two
    I wanna see what it feels like to be without you
    I wanna know the touch of my own skin
    Against the sun
    Against the wind

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