fan the flame

April 5, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Over the Rhine– Spark

Confession: I become unequivocally overwhelmed in the combination of extravagant thoughts and deep emotions. So much so that I often just shut down, turn inward, fight numbness. I’m feeling that way now. Is it even possible to make sense of it all? (and if not, should I just stop trying?)
(My roommate bought the new Over the Rhine CD and has graciously shared it with us. Something about OTR puts me in this ridiculously mellow and introspective mindset. Red wine and sunsets and blankets and bare feet.)
I wake up in a cold sweat of irresolute dreaming and throw off the covers. Two nights now.
It’s not often that I feel restless in life- I’ve found that I am easily entertained and even more easily inarticulately thankful for the hidden, impalpable gifts that God allows me to stumble upon. (need I even begin a list that will never end: sleeping in, heated seats on warm days!, and how today I felt the sun on my legs for the first time in months!) Schmanda writes about joy and I relate so well to the unexpected, unexplained smiling heart that overtakes me on days when I least expect it. But I cannot discount how my life’s days also bring the moments that I want something more than…this. And these days that is the overriding feeling: as if I am on the edge of something bigger than the plans I have made. So frustrating to feel a passion and only think of it in a future tense!! God- how quickly I try to make Your time fit into mine. Forgive me.
I told Mary Beth tonight that maybe I’ve just been a half-hearted creature in too many different “ministries” all at once when what I really need to do is jump fully into one and give (without expecting to receive!). What would that look like? And where is it that I will be most effective? I am selfish with my time, selfish with my words and selfish with my love. God-I have nothing worth giving on my own. It’s a lie that I am useful without You!

What is my heart’s cry in ministry? Am I allowing myself to hear it before I dismiss the thought? Open my ears Lord! You are bigger than I tell myself!

And tonight I sat in the nest chair in my livingroom. I found myself as the center of a conversation with Nelms and Mattlevi on love. The more the conversation progressed, the more mute I became. My head is swimming in their thoughts on “I love you”: when do you say it?, how do you know you mean it?, if you are saying it in action is it hypocritical to not say it in words?, how desensitized can the phrase become? and how can you avoid that overuse?, how does it change a relationship? what level of commitment does it call for?
And my head asks me: Why aren’t there more words in our language for love because there is more than one type of love!! Nelms makes it sound so simple. Mattlevi and I want assurance in action and motive. Why do I doubt myself so readily?

Today AZ and I sat in a small coffee shop and had lunch. We rifled through scripture, tossed our thoughts and I used “K-9” to refer to a specific breed of dog (who doesn’t know what the specific breed called a “K-9” looks like?!?) while she laughed at my ridiculousness. Today was Monday and tomorrow is Tuesday in April.

IS God the last romantic??


2 Responses to “fan the flame”

  1. Kristi said

    And was John the only dreamer?

  2. Schmanda said

    ok, that K-9 comment was so hilarious. it’s just impossible to get the full scope of it’s ridiculousness in writing!

    i’ve enjoyed spending an unusual ammount of time with you this week!

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