perfect from far away

February 15, 2005

stairwell accompaniment: The Shins- Kissing the Lipless

Happy Valentine’s Day has become a head full of jumbledmessy thoughts. So I write. I should be packing. I’m boarding an airplane in the AM and whisking myself away—a Mexican getaway. I should be rummaging through clothes, folding a bathing suit, adding a toothbrush and deodorant. My suitcase in the floor in front of me- half packed.
I am so often honest in a vague way because details become trivial. I want honesty.
Orange roses on my dining room table and I can still feel his warm, reassuring hand against my back. Sometimes so safe. Ginger peach lingering. his stars are seen on my sunroof overhead and high, high above them I can see the unearthly glow of His coruscating stars. A blanket of lucent reminders.
I am coming home and all along the way calculating how far away I am from him now. Thinking of him in his bed and sleeping (dreaming?). I am so often taken by his idiosyncrasies and smile when I should be serious, laugh when I should be listening, blush when I should be composed. And I can’t help but feeling the raw emotion of vulnerability. But I can’t decide whether it is him or me that I am afraid of. I am, most definitely, far less than what he needs, deserves–effete, a consolation prize–and I can only hope somehow be the earthly apologist he longs for.
My quixotic view of love and what it will look like for me: I read of Jack’s love for H. in A Grief Observed and I am nearly convinced that it is something I will only read. Will living such passion and deep communion remain a distant vision? And I see Elizabeth Elliot’s undying patience for Jim and I am filled with a salty mixture of hope and disbelief. I am vexed by the messy details. I want to shout to God: “HOW? WHY? WHEN?” and with disdain for my adulterous heart, I realize that I have sold out to far less wild lovers and I wait in quiet reverence for Him to examine my heart. Ask me the questions. Reveal me to be the child I am.

“Being in love is a good thing but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all…In fact, the state of being in love usually does not last…But of course ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love…is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God.” –CS Lewis

I recognize something far greater than my passions.

I want God, not something like God. I’ll do all the soul climbing I can because I’d be a fool to go to bed if I’m not tired. So I write now and it’s no longer a thought, it’s a yell.
“When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die.” -Leitch
But I am not called to die and be dead. I die in order to live.

And live I will…in MEXICO for the next 6 days. Not a day below 80 degrees and sunburn await me. Alive, warmpink skin, black hair in the hot sun, and Michelle is getting married. Married in Mexico.
El dios bendice y buena noche.
Feliz cumpleaños, Joy.

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One Response to “perfect from far away”

  1. AmyLea said

    Mmmm, Mexico. Girl, you’re probably already there. I’m so glad you get to have a break for a bit and enjoy yourself; soak up some rays for me….

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