flirting with denial

February 8, 2005

stairwell accompaniment:Howie Day- Australia

Life.

And I’ve found that since I wrote about living in each moment-to be fully present-I’ve been challenged by examining my actual (in)ability to do this. Just like when one asks for brokenness there’s a high probility that brokenness will ensue. I have asked what it means to live fully in the moment and I am…well…I am learning that I am far from deft. Life has taken me by the wrist, grasped my arm, encircled my neck and strangled. And it is in these lonely, abandoned, bleak moments when I feel like so much depends on me and I retreat. I seek asylum in the past. Memories of long laughs with close friends, being worlds away from home, and him being so close that I didn’t need to second guess anything. I so often seek refuge in recalling the way sand granules feel as they cover my feet by the trillions and how I would close my eyes and know for sure that I was still at the ocean’s side by the slow crashing lullaby of the waves. Memories like these. The ones that sooth and fuel my tendancy to pull inward when the present moment feels to big.

And lately my present moments have been feeling much too copious. So right now- struggling to keep myself in this moment, this feeling, right now- I ask myself: Who exactly are they too big for?

And I feel small.

Unpretentious and grasping, holding so tightly to the robes of I AM.

My to-do list will not overshadow His to-do list in me.

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One Response to “flirting with denial”

  1. STACIE said

    Living in the moment has been one of my biggest struggles, when things are hard it’s so much easier to remember when they were good or dream of the future. God has called to be here and now, doing our 100 percent best as unto Him, yet that is still a fuzzy concept to me at times. Thanks for sharing your struggles along these lines–they’re echos of my own heart

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