break so easy

November 24, 2004

stairwell accompaniment: Damien Rice

I was driving in the cold (November) rain today coming from the Emporium with a tall mug of hot tea-I was just so struck by the reality of every relationship I’ve given myself to and exactly how much each one has taken from my heart. Sometimes -often- I feel so second-hand, faded. I feel like with every boy I’ve given too much and how I have those cisterns in my heart to prove it. But I want to turn each of those broken spots into a God-shaped hole. What is it like to feel whole again? I know that each relationship taught me a valuable lesson about myself and about my God. Does that make those splinters any less real? I just think of SB and the way he’s guarded his heart from peripheral relationships. I think of the amazing, intact gift he now has to offer his future wife. And although I often argue that his life has been too guarded and that his choices have made him risk not really living- I so often wish that the heart I now have to offer wasn’t quite so scarred, afflicted, scabrous, tainted. Is it true that because if these trials, injuries I am am now more prone to pour out God on others, and to offer a truly humble being to Him? Do I even realize what a Healer and Comforter God is? If I did, wouldn’t I scream it from the mountaintops? I want it to be reality- I want to decidedly fall on my face, pleading for an acquittal and to know that God can, will and has made me new, whole. Broken and alive. Alive and looking up. Alive and screaming from God’s mountaintop how indebted I am for His love. Because how could I possibly live glorifying God if I am not fully accepting His love? My heart can be so impenetrable, cluttered, callous and selfish. How can a heart this human be loved?

Mid November

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