messy

November 5, 2004

stairwell accompaniment:Chasing Furies

It feels like ages since I’ve sat down with my stickered laptop in the corner table at this small coffee shop I have grown to feel at home in over the past years. Irish Cream streamer in a mug that’s warming my hands and Damien Rice singing in my headphones. Months have passed since I’ve typed letters that clearly say who I am now and what I do best…and worst. So I’ll brave it today: skip the obscure ramblings, the digital snapshots and…and the stories that give slight glimpses into my days. I’ll use this alphabet key board to tell each of you who exactly this disheveled girl is right here, right now. (Maybe this alphabet keyboard can tell me.)

Fall is nearly passed me by. It’s greycold today and I’m remembering the first day in September that I smiled at the rain of leaves against the blue sky. There is a tree with branches that create a cascade over the road at the top of my street. It’s bare now and those high branches look starved and brittle. But that’s not what I see. I see the fiery yellow it was weeks ago and how for just a few glorious days it transformed the pavement into a yellow brick road…leading home. I realized as I was driving through downtown today that it’s been four years since I entered the world we call “adult” and the nostalgia of how I felt holding the keys to my first apartment overlooking the city. Four years.

I’m continuing to fill my gypsy days with scattered massage clients. I began my class to become a doula and God continues to amaze me by making this possible: the art of pregnancy and coming along side women in the most transforming times of their lives-I am unworthy. In the next months will see the inside of many delivery rooms and attend child birth classes with large-bellied women. I smile at the anticipation of it all.

I carved out a well-lit corner of our musty basement for creating art: cardboard, chalk, glue, paint, crayons, string, film and magazines. I’m continually surprised by the ability to use messy art as a way of worshipping my God. I once read a story about a monk who lived in a monastery that required attendance at a daily worship service in the morning. This particular monk found the service to be full of motion and devoid feeling. As weeks passed his peers began to notice that he failed to attend this service. As they searched the monastery for this negligent monk, they happened upon a surprising scene. In a small chapel they found him performing a tumbling routine in front of a single statue of Christ. He was offering his all, and smiling. As his peers began to scold him for his juvenile behavior the headmaster hushed them by pointing out that more worship was taking place in this small chapel that in the body-filled cathedral.

That’s what I want. I want to leave the motions of worship behind and find my own tumbling routine that will bring glory to my God. If my fingerpainting and chalk marks can offer even a hushed I love you to God, I want my heart to create through my hands.

In the course of a birthday diner at Franco’s Stephanie and I stumbled upon a question that I continue to ask myself. Why do I insist on thinking that I deserve something? As if I am entitled to the life I want and anything less is settling for less that I earned? I daily come to the conclusion that I am a selfish being. There’s such a canyon between seeking God’s will and seeking God’s will with the intent to follow it. Do I seek God’s will to see what His option is?

The thoughts of one very messy, disheveled girl on a Thursday as she sips a hot drink and keeps her eyes looking up.

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2 Responses to “messy”

  1. Scott said

    Happy belated birthday! I’m Kristi’s friend from Oklahoma. Thanks for making your blog easier to read! I’ll be visiting much more often now. I don’t know you, but I’m amazed by you. You voice thoughts that I think but can’t put words to. From this great distance, your life seems like a work of art, more so than most that I come across. If I ever finally move to Dayton, I can’t wait to meet you, and I hope we’ll be great friends. You are beautiful inside and out. And you have good taste in music!

  2. Joel said

    Excellent point on “God’s Will” and “God’s Options”. So true, too true. Oh and for the record, “greycold” is a cool word that I’ve heard before.

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