May 24, 2004

hear it in the stairwell: David Crowder

I’ve been in such an emotionally, spiritually, even physically drained state this past week. I hesitate to write in times like theses for fear of posting just a little too much in my broken state and having an Amy-like regretful blog experience.

I’ve been overwhelmed with a broken friendship. I’ve sought forgiveness for wrongs done on my part and have made attempts to regain trust and have not been met with any acceptance. It is so difficult to ask for grace and be denied. It makes me want to be more persistent with my opportunities to give grace to others. I am far from perfect and it’s by God’s grace that I am what I am.

Next week I am to switch to part time on the Alzheimers Unit. I’ve been counting down the days for weeks now. I made the executive decision that continuing with my full time nurses aide, part time massage and full time school was quickly leading to my downfall. So I prepared for a slight income decline and am cutting back to two days a week third shift. And just as I felt confident enough to do this, I am faced with an unexpected financial burden. My hopes of a less regimented schedule with time to regain my sanity, my social life AND some sleep fade away and I’m no longer sure I can afford to cut back on nighttime hours. Disappointed that I can’t control that and not sure how to keep the grueling schedule.

I’m feeling led to spend some time this fall at the England L’Abri studying, focusing and seeking God’s will. I honestly can’t think of any way that I could possibly work this out in my human powers but in the past few weeks I have been led back to this avenue again and again. I discovered that my school schedule would accommodate it, a few friends have suggested it and my current overwhelming life is screaming for it. But it is a risk that God will need to usher me into.

Esther died this week. A difficult situation to face as I pass her room continually through my work night. The family donated all her clothing to the other ladies in the unit who need it. It was painful to watch the nurse begin dividing up her things as if life does just go on. I mean does it? I cringe at the thought that the only remnants of Esther will be old hand-me-down clothes worn by her friends. I want the influence she had on my life and the ways she changed me to be a loud declaration of the inspiration she was. Life does just go on-only I’m not the same.

So I sit at work last night during a lull in business and I take a few minutes to open my bible and prepare for small group this week. In those few minutes my consuming week culminates in a overwhelming need for God’s assurance. This week I’m to cover the end of Matthew 9 and I was reading through Jesus healing the blind men. I, too, feel like I am crying out “have mercy on me, God!” because I know I’m in a place where I feel overwhelmed, scared, confused and alone. I feel powerless to help myself. And I see Jesus’ response to the two blind men- he continues to have them follow him for a while before responding and when he does respond he asks them a question: “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” He doesn’t ask “Do you think I can?”, or “Do you want me to?” He cuts right to their faith in Him. He’s already tested their faith by their willingness to follow him without His promise to heal but He seeks their profession of faith.

I desperately WANT God to take these situations out of my hands and show me some peace through solutions but do I absolutely BELIEVE He can?

And Jesus’ response blows me away. “According to your faith it will be done unto you.” Not “Because you have a lot of faith” or “According to your unwavering faith” simply “because you have faith.”

First of all, Jesus doesn’t respond on my timeline. Just like the blind men, I may be challenged to follow him without the answers I want with the assurance that if it is in His will, He will answer me. Secondly, His response will be according to the amount of faith I have in Him. Lastly, God doesn’t expect perfection from me before He’s willing to hear my prayers.


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