I wasn’t prepared for this

May 12, 2004

hear it in the stairwell:Eisley-Laughing City

Sometimes the way God treats me feels like betrayal. I’ve found myself in a dangerous world-we’ve all been betrayed by someone. It’s a violation that strikes at the core of our being; to make ourselves vulnerable and entrust our well-being to another, only to be harmed by those on whom our hopes were set, is among the worst pain of the human experience. I’ve recently been reminded of a betrayal and the hurt that comes along with it–The broken feeling that my rope won’t take the bucket to the bottom of the well. I know God has the ability to draw water for me, but sometimes He won’t. I feel wronged. After all, the bible does say that if we have the power to do someone good, we should do it (Prov. 3:27), doesn’t it? So why doesn’t God?

I’m just faced with how reckless and unpredictable God is and I wonder “How can I trust a God who is so wild?” And not only how can I trust Him, but how can I wholeheartedly love him in return? The ONE possible answer: You could love Him if you knew His heart was good.

I was letting a friend borrow my copy of The Sacred Romance the other day and before I handed it over I was glancing through my tattered, underlined pages. Almost immediately I found the paragraph where the authors use the movie The Last of the Mohicans to illustrate this. Remember the movie…

Nathaniel has captured the heart of the beautiful Cora. With tremendous courage and cunning, he rescues her from an ambush set by the evil Magua, leader of a warring tribe. Nathaniel leads Cora, her sister and a few other survivors to a hidden cave behind a waterfall. Just when it appears they will escape and live happily ever after, Magua and his savages discover their hideout. Once captured, the women may be spared but the men will surely be executed. With no powder for their rifles, Nathaniel’s only chance is to leap from the falls; by saving himself, he will live to rescue Cora another day. One of the other men calls him a coward, accusing him of selfish motives. How is Cora feeling? What looks like abandonment may not be. Her only hope in the face of such wildness lies in the goodness of Nathaniel’s heart. At this point, it’s all she has to go on!

At this point, it’s all I have to go on.

Does God have a good heart?

Not if you think of goodness as being synonymous with safety.

As I sit here this evening I feel God’s goodness. Tonight I’ve found myself with the house alone. It’s humid summer-like evening and all of the windows are open allowing a warm breeze to push the curtains back. In the three disc CD player Damien Rice, Eisley and David Crowder perform a concert for me- not to loud as to drown out the sounds of neighborhood kids laughing and dogs barking playfully. I’m feeling my slightly sunburnt skin- just warm and pink enough to remind me that I am very much alive- and my puppy‘s warm, furry body is laying against my bare foot. Who knew that sitting alone at home could make you so appreciative of the gifts God has given you and who knew that a God so good could feel so near? Do I need to feel safe? I know that God is good. Eisley sings “I wasn’t prepared for this…” and I wonder are we ever?

A man can no more diminish God’s glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.

C. S. Lewis


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